Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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