I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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