It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
