I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
