Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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