Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
