My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize