Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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