either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
