i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
