you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize