foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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