i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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