just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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