Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
