When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
