a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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