I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm passing your future prison.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
