What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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