Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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