Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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