I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
