I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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