I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
