he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize