Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
