so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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