he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
