booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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