i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
