I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
