Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
