Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
