The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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