also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
