i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
