ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
it hurts more in the daytime
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
