Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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