I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize