My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
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