You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize