I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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