TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
