the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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