What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize