I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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