I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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