i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
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