that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
