True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
third nipple confirmed
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
