I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
are you so shy because you have an std?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize