I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Panties = found
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
