Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
