The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
