no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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