tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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