Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's shark week go big or go home
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
