My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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