David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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