if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I did not marry a roomba.
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