moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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