Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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