We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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