Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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