she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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