So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
