I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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