it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
