I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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