It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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